if you don’t go through relational experiences when you should (first crushes, rejections, breaking up and getting back together, etc.), you never learn how love works in a healthy way. it’s not some innate feeling that just appears. it’s a skill that has to be built. if you don’t go through those phases, your brain never develops the ability to create and manage an emotional bond in a normal and balanced way. you don’t understand the boundaries between affection and need, between attraction and obsession.
so when you finally feel something, your brain doesn’t know what to do with it. you can’t experience it normally without the right references. either you put the person on a pedestal and idealize them, or you become dependent on their attention. if they ignore you, you collapse. if they respond, they become the only reason you exist. you latch onto them like a leech, elevating them to something they’re not, getting addicted to the feeling rather than the reality of the relationship. so instead of living it for what it is, you turn it into an extreme. and there’s no way to calibrate, no way to balance. it’s not love. it becomes a pathological need.
and the worst part? there’s no way to fix this shit. you can improve in your 20s, but no matter how many experiences you accumulate, your brain was wired wrong from the start, and you can’t go back and reinstall the software. you can socialmaxx by going out with people, having relationships, even getting married, but every interaction will just be an unconscious attempt to compensate for what you missed. and it will always fail, because you were never programmed to experience love and relationships in a normal way. if you didn’t develop the skills at the right time, all you can do is larp, copy what others do, and hope no one notices that you’re broken. it’s a developmental stage that most people go through, and if you miss it, you’ll always try to make up for it, and fail. every party, every outing, every experience you have will just be an attempt to recover what you didn’t live through when the time was right. every joy you feel won’t be real, just an unconscious remedy for the experiences you never had.
you can put your balls in the sun for as long as you want (to vitaminmaxx), drink as much blueberry kefir as you want (to boost serotonin levels), or groundmaxx (walk barefoot on the ground to discharge built-up static electricity). you can do meditationmaxxing or gymmaxx as much as you want (to lower cortisol, even though technically, prolonged and overly intense exercise is unnatural and actually increases cortisol and prolactin levels, which isn’t physiologically healthy). you can even try sleepmaxxing (using red light therapy for nitric oxide and melatonin, using a device to monitor CO2 levels to optimize oxygen intake, and taping your mouth shut to stop mouth breathing).
you can looksmaxx as much as you want with surgery, mewing and chewing (to help craniofacial development and attempt to slow down any dysgenic mandibular recession). you can also try dopaminmaxxing (quitting porn, stopping mindless social media scrolling, and cutting out junk food to reset dopamine receptors). you can schizomaxx as much as you want (what I’m doing right now), and you can fastmaxx as much as you want (to activate autophagy, eliminate damaged cells, and reset metabolism). or do emfmaxxing (turning off wifi at night to avoid excessive radiation exposure and only using wired connections instead of wireless, and avoiding keeping your phone near your balls or head). or do coldmaxxing (cold showers to boost dopamine and reduce inflammation, and training outdoors in winter with minimal layers). or finally, posturemaxxing (fixing posture and correcting nerd neck).
you can do all of this, but nothing, nothing, nothing will fix this situation, because the damage is already done. every single attempt at self-improvement will never be a real upgrade like people think, just a way to mask the defect. one that’s built into the system. yeah, sure, you can fool yourself into thinking you’re normal. yeah, I can try to convince myself that a specific number of experiences, people, and situations will rewrite that code. but the reality is, there’s no editing possible.
in this situation, you don’t live. you perform. you watch others and copy, like a robot imitating emotions without actually feeling them, moving through society hoping no one notices that inside, it’s just an emulation. the problem is, they know. they feel it. and obviously, you know it too.
now you’re probably thinking, why the fuck is this idiot writing all this? i don’t even know.
i don’t expect anything, i don’t even think this serves any purpose, i have no idea. and yeah, im fully aware that to most people, this would come off as ridiculous, something written by a schizophrenic loser overanalyzing existence instead of just touching grass. but maybe that’s what makes me different.
whoever you are, you’ll probably ignore this. to you, it’ll just make me seem weird, schizo, lost, broken, etc. it’ll probably get posted somewhere to be mocked. maybe I deserve it, maybe it’s part of the game. but I still feel like sending it.
but whatever, we live in an era where the only acceptable response to pain is pretending it doesn’t exist. and if you’re a man, you have to be alpha, get over everything easily, have a massive ego, move forward like nothing happened, and fill the void with new experiences and people (coping, but no one admits it because they all want to look strong). and if you stop for a second and actually feel what you feel, you’re instantly labeled a beta who doesn’t get how life works.
so yeah, maybe anyone reading this will think I’m completely gone, beyond saving, insane (which is true, whatever), that i shouldn’t have written this at all. the usual comments:
"lmao bro is overthinking"
"just go outside and talk to people dude"
"just touch grass"
"bro wrote an entire manifesto instead of lifting"
"imagine being this self-aware and still losing"
"literally no one thinks this hard about existence, just play the game"
"overanalyzing everything is literally a symptom of losing"
"dude woke up and chose schizomaxxing"
"the fact that you’re writing this proves why you lost"
"he wrote all this and some guy who never thought about any of this is out there winning"
there are people out there who get to experience all of this naturally. no overthinking. no theories about social calibration, attachment styles, or developmental windows.
they just exist. and things happen.
some dude just woke up one day, went to school, joined a sports team because it looked fun, met a girl who liked him, and now he has a girlfriend. he didn’t have to think about it. he didn’t have to develop some grand strategy to fix himself. no rewiring, no fixing, no maxxing, just life unfolding the way it was always meant to.
meanwhile, others are here, running mental simulations, rewriting entire narratives, constantly searching for ways to "fix" something that was never designed to be fixed in the first place. trying to catch up to a game that has already been lost.
but yeah, some people just get to experience this naturally.
having said that, my message isn’t meant to be entirely negative. i’m not completely hopeless. i try. i do my best. i go out, i experience things, i try to push myself outside of my comfort zone. i choose to be happy most of the time.
but my life will never be like the guy in the picture. that’s just how it is. maybe he’s fucked up too, who the fuck knows. maybe he’s sitting somewhere right now feeling like he’s missing something in his own way. maybe no one really wins in the end, we all just deal with different flavors of the same existential mess.
still, i keep going. maybe it’s cope, maybe it’s just what you have to do. either way, it’s better than sitting around rotting. maybe there’s no "fix," maybe i’ll always be behind in some way.
at the end of the day, it is what it is. some people get to live these experiences without ever thinking about them, without ever questioning if they deserve them. for others, it’s different. you can try, you can improve, you can live, but some things will never be natural, never be effortless, never feel the way they were supposed to.
but that doesn’t mean life stops. that doesn’t mean there’s no point. even if i’ll never be that guy, even if my path will always have a level of conscious effort, of catching up, of playing a game that was never designed for me. i’m still here. and as long as i am, i might as well try.
maybe that’s all life really is. suffering. not winning, not being the main character, not living some perfect script. just trying. seeing what happens. moving forward, even when you know it’ll never be like that.
Plebscan